i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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