just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
