We're facebook friends in real life
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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