I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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