Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
