Michael Bay diarrhea
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
