her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
