Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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