i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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