His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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