How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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