So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize