we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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