Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
