it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
