Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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