dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
