If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
