OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
