I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
