All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
