Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
