i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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