im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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