$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
