He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
