I met the friendliest cop last night
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Randomize
