If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
