My nipple is on Facebook.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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