You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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