i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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