I can tuck mytits in my pants
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
