Whod you bang
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
