matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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