woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
