when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
