I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
