Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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