I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
