im six kinds of drunk right now
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
