i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
