Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
