Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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