I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
