I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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