After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
