**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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