I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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