i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize