i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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