chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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