There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
