Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
