maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
