I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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