um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize