dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
