He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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