somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
