my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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