I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize