i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
