He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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