hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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