My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
nutella sex= disaster
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize