My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
