she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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