the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
