I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
