I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
